The Childish Trap
by Wilson Hill
Summary: The seven warriors of Diablo II must defeat their most hilarious enemy yet


The Childish Trap  
By Gdog4evr ________________________________________________________________________ CYA Style Disclaimer: Any copy-righted material mentioned in the following story is property of whomever owns them, including but not limited to Blizzard Entertainment and Jim Henson Productions. This story is not in any way meant to insult, degrade, slander, libel, put down, or in any other way offend anybody or anything. If anybody or anything is offended at something in the story, I offer them my apologies. If that is not accepted, please work out your aggressions in a form that does not involve contacting a lawyer. You may feel free to share this story with anyone for any reason as long as it is done freely (meaning you can't charge anything for it) and is the text is kept in its entirety, including this disclaimer. Thank you. ________________________________________________________________________ Feedback is always welcome, which includes suggestions, comments, corrections, personal insults about my mother, or anything else! Ideas for a new and better title are especially appreciated. Please send to instant_feedback@yahoo.com, and maybe you'll get a cookie. ________________________________________________________________________  
  
The gang of seven warriors ran, skipped, hopped, and occasionally tripped over and past the rubble lining the bottom of the tunnels. The assassin was in front, followed closely by the paladin, who in every other sense of the word was leading the party. He was also using his Vigor aura to ease their rush. His weapon was sheathed, and his armor dented, and he carried a mysterious bag over his shoulder. The others clamored along behind, trying to make good time.  
"Why are we rushing?" yelled out the Necromancer, tailed by several resurrected minions.  
"We must vanquish the Butcher before the ceremony is completed!" the Paladin called over his shoulder. The sorceress, beginning to fall behind slightly, teleported a few times and caught up to the Paladin, then resumed running.  
"What do you mean, vanquish the Butcher? He died long ago beneath Tristram!" She exclaimed.  
"Indeed, but we must now defeat a creature of similar origin but infinitely more devious and powerful. Not only that, but he is to be accompanied by creatures even more powerful than the prime evils. That is, if we don't get to him first."  
"How you know?" called the barbarian, from several meters back. He was glad he had invested some skill points in Increased Stamina and Increased Speed, even if it did seem like a waste of points at the time. His Battle Orders howl had, for some inexplicable reason, encouraged them all and had increased their stamina almost as much as the paladin's Vigor. He had to stop occasionally though to recast it, hence he fell behind.  
"I received word from our spies about it," called out the assassin, who was using her Burst of Speed skill to stay ahead of the others.  
"And your sure this is worthy information?" called out the amazon, nimbly stepping between loose rocks that might otherwise trip her as she ran. A large wolf behind her growled, then stopped and melted into a human form before running again.  
"Yes," called the druid at last after his last attempt. "My people and her's worked together to find out exactly what was going on and where. Sentient vines and wolves come in handy for that form of research."  
The paladin stopped and held up a hand, signaling the others to stop as well. The assassin, not seeing this, nearly ran directly into the wall. As she grunted, the paladin turned to the majority of the group and said, "re-equip. Now."  
They all paused a second to allow their stamina to recover, and then pulled off the Vidala's Fetlocks and pulled on their normal footwear. The paladin walked over and brushed his hand along the wall, looking for something. It was completely black, and seemingly formless. His hand reached up higher, than tapped the wall. He looked at the druid and nodded, tapping the area of the wall again.  
The druid walked over and swung his heavy maul in an overhead arch, smashing a hole in the wall towards the ceiling. He hacked again, and more rocks tumbled loose and fell, opening up a good sized hole. The paladin looked over at the barbarian as the druid finished opening up a gap in the wall. "You remember the plan?" he asked, and the barbarian nodded.  
The huge muscle bound figure walked up to the hole as the druid stepped aside, wiping his brow. The barbarian the leaped up and through the space allotted him, and came down the other side. He looked at the barrier he had just passed, and found the huge lever he was looking for. He tried forcing the lever up, but it was stuck. He put down his weapon and pulled the lever as hard as he could. "Is jammed!" he called back through the wall. "I need help!"  
At this, the sorceress sighed and teleported first into the hole, then looking down, into the room itself. The necromancer jumped up and grabbed at the edge of the hole, and with the help of the paladin lifting him, got high enough to summon a Blood Golem on the other side. He then fell back to the ground, his armor clinking heavily. They tried repeating the process with the druid so he could summon a grizzly to aid them, but he was much heavier and besides, a grizzly wouldn't help much anyway. The three lifted, pulled, and hefted the lever as hard as they could. Then the sorceress stepped back, looked at the lever, gasped, and shouted, "Wait! Hold on a second! Get off the lever!" The two others clamored away from the stone switch, and the sorceress stepped forward and lightly pushed down on it. The switch slid easily downwards, and the wall parted and slid into the ceiling and floor. The necromancer summoned a fire golem, his of choice, as the barbarian turned red and mumbled apologies . "Good work everyone, let's keep going," the paladin said, making sure to pat the barbarian and sorceress on the shoulder. He stepped up to the lone door that the fake wall had protected. He tried the handle. "Locked," he informed, then turned to the assassin and raised an eyebrow. "Didn't you mention that your group had determined a way to open virtually any lock, no manner how complicated, effortlessly?"  
"Yes,." she paused, then stepped forward. "But you must swear that if I perform this technique in front of you," she spun on her heel to face all of the group, "Then you must all swear that you shall never tell a soul how it works, for if the secret were let out, it would mean every thief could get into any place and no one would be safe." The others nodded in mutual, grave agreement. She squared her shoulders, walked to the door, wielded her claws in a flashy manner, then rammed the blades deeply into the keyhole of the door, the twisted her hand and flicked her wrist to rip the lock completely out. Six hands simultaneously slapped the heads of their owners as they saw the secret method of opening locks safe guarded by the assassins and defended fiercely. "What?" she asked out loud, seeing their reaction.  
"Nothing!" replied the paladin, rubbing his temples. "That was very." he stopped short of finishing with "stupid". ".effective" he finished instead. The assassin nodded sharply and stood back, still confused by the numerous rolling eyes.  
The paladin removed his sword from his scabbard, and clicked on Fanaticism for a moment to increase the attack speed and power of his allies and their minions. He then opened the door as quietly as possible, until is squeaked loud enough to make them all grimace. The creature within heard it, and tilted his head to one side, as if considering what to do with it.  
The beast had horribly yellow skin, bushy brown hair, and wore clothing and a matching hat that were, shockingly, sparkling white. All the warriors and otherwise poured into the room, weapons and spells readied. The necromancer already launched a curse at the being, a sparkling light dazzling lightly over his head. The creature did not react, as they all slowly noticed. In fact, it seemed to be doing something on a table that they could not see, and very well didn't want to either. It was also, for the most part, facing the exact opposite direction of them. It worked busily on the table with a large selection of instruments, pouring, mixing, and cutting. It seemed to be almost completely unaware of their presence. Seconds dragged by like minutes. The curse laden on the beast fizzled away and disappeared. Minutes dragged by like hours. The assassin began to straiten from her crouch, as her leg was starting to cramp up. The amazon eased off the tension in her bow, slowly. The others likewise began to relax. Hours didn't drag by. This was because after five full minutes of nothing happening, the paladin finally cleared his throat to get the creatures attention. As he did so, everyone tensed up again once more, the sweat beading down their faces with anticipation and fear. Afterwards, nothing continued to happen. Well, that's not true. The creature began to sing as it worked. It to, was truly hideous, and sounded almost child like, in it's tune. The sorceress glanced sharply at the paladin, to signify the message of "What the @#$% are we doing here?" with only her face. The barbarian nudged the druid and pointed at his wrist as if he had a watch, to signify it was lunch time. The paladin decided to do something. "Er, hello?" he asked uncertainly. This elected a small snicker from the group he was meant to be leading. More defiantly and authoritatively, he tried again, after the creature again failed to acknowledge his presence. "Hello!". The beast finally stopped singing for a moment, but that was only because he had reached the end of the song, and began again after a few moments. The amazon lost her patience and rapped the ground sharply with her bow, saying, "What the heck are we doing here? He'll kill us with boredom before he tries to harm us!" "Maybe that's his intention," chimed in the necromancer, "He plans on killing us that way so that he'll have our bodies whole for the cooking pot." The barbarian, recognizing this as a joke, laughed a little along with everyone else, without actually getting it. The paladin, however, was getting fed up. He marched up to the beast, who was separated from the party by a counter and called out, "Hey buddy, what's your problem?" he reached out across the counter to grab the beast by the shoulder, just as it was finishing another chorus of it's horrid song. Just before he made contact, the creature whirled around, facing the paladin. The paladin gave a high pitched screech and jumped back, dropping his sword to the ground and tripping over it in the process. "Woa, he screams just like you do," the amazon muttered over to the sorceress. "Shut up, I'm not that bad," the sorceress whispered back. The paladin snatched his sword up and rolled into a defensive/offensive crouch, as the others re-readied their weapons, preparing to strike at a hair trigger notice. "Hellu!" said the creature after regarding his audience. Everyone tensed up even more, muscles bulging, spells shinning, fingers straining around the hilts of weapons. "Hoo ere-a yuoo?" asked the evil creature. His bushy eyebrows were so overgrown and disgusting that it was impossible to see his eyes. His deformed nose bulged out in a massive triangle. His sinister mouth stretched across his face. All were hesitant to answer the beast's question. Finally, the paladin spoke up. "I am a paladin of the holy order, sent here on a mission." the paladin was cut off, as the beast spoke overtop of him. "Nut vhu, hoo. Hoo ere-a yuoo?" the hideous creature corrected. "Wait, does he. does he mean how are we?" asked the sorceress in a puzzled tone. The chief nodded happily and repeated his question once more. The barbarian scratched his head, partly out of confusion, partly to look for fleas. The druid's tongue was hanging out, partly because of the heat, partly out of confusion. The paladin slowly stood at his full height, eyeing the creature before him carefully. He said, in a shaky sort of tone, "Um, alright I guess." "Thet is guud!" applauded the creature, clapping happily. He turned his back to them, and then turned back around, holding a mixing bowl in one hand and stirring the contents with the other. The contents of the bowl looked like mud, only more.evil. But the smell was almost overpowering, and especially effected the assassin, who was nearing a specific point in her lunar cycle and would soon desire this concoction. "Tudey ve-a meke-a zee chuculete-a muuse-a!" cried the beast. "Furst, zee chuculet!" he informed them as he mixed the contents with even stronger strokes of the ladle. "Candy food." drooled the barbarian, lumbering up to the beast, wishing to partake of the chocolate. "No! It may be poison!" yelled the paladin, who desperately wanted to dive into the fudge himself. "I'm an expert in poisons, thus I shall be first to sample said substance to determine it's safety," said the necromancer, licking his lips. He started moving, but was quickly blocked by the amazon and sorceress as they surged forward to get there first. The assassin was already reaching across the counter top towards the bowl, only to have her hand slapped away by the devious creature holding it. "Stop! All of you stop!" the paladin yelled. "This is exactly what he wants! He wants us to eat that stuff!" "We want that too!" cried the barbarian, who had his great sword raised to knock two of his fellow warriors out of the way. "But it might kill you!" the paladin nearly shouted through clenched teeth, which is somewhat difficult. The assassin had begun pleading with the beast, but he was ignoring her. The paladin reached over and grabbed her wrist, pulling her away from the creature, begging her to regain herself. "Zeere-a! Zee chuculete is-a dune-a!" called the beast suddenly. He sat down the bowl as the assassin regarded it with purely naked lust. The paladin was having to forcibly restrain her, and was beginning to fail. The amazon and the sorceress came forward and aided in prying away the assassin, slipping her a small block of fudge beyond the sight of the barbarian, who still was looking at the chocolate with shinning eyes. While all this was going on, the chief proudly proclaimed, "Und noo, zee muuse-a!", and brought forth, from the next room, a live, full grown, Canadian moose. As the sounds of ravenous smacking sounds of the warriors could be heard, the creature began smearing the chocolate from the bowl unto the quadruped. The assassin discreetly munched on her fudge and began to recover herself, while the barbarian satisfied himself with a chew toy that the druid had loaned him. The paladin was holding a meeting as the creature sang while working. "Alright, so he's an idiot. What's the move?" asked the sorceress. "Is it possible we have the wrong coordinates?" asked the necromancer, leaning against the wall. "We've had spies in the area for weeks, this is where we're supposed to be," the assassin informed. "This may be a divisional tactic, trying to hold us off until the opportune moment," the paladin mused. "What moment would that be? When to sample the cheese cake?" the necromancer snipped snidely, twirling his sacred bone wand between his fingers. "Ooo, we eat that, can't we?" asked the barbarian, removing the chew toy from his mouth, briefly. The druid had assured him that he could keep it, in that not even the wolves wanted it back. "No, we can't eat anything he cooks, he might poison it," explained the paladin once more, patiently. "He's preparing it right in front of us, if he tried putting anything in anything, we'd see it," said the amazon, who deeply enjoyed cheese cake. "What if he added poison to the ingredients before hand?" asked the druid, regretfully. He, also, deeply appreciated both chocolate and cheese cake.  
  
The various masters of the conversational arts were interrupted as the creature called out "Zeere-a, zee chuculete-a muuse-a is dune-a!" "How nice for you," the paladin said to him, and turned back to the others.  
  
The assassin looked sadly upon the chocolate-coated moose. "All that chocolate, all wasted,." she murmured, and the amazon patted her hand. "Noo it is teeme-a tu secreeffice-a zee chuculete-a muuse-a!" the beast shouted, lifting a pruning knife above his head. The necromancer suddenly straitened. "Secree.secree.sacrifice?" the paladin asked, confusion drawing over his face. "I sense a curse being invoked!" the necromancer barked out, as he lifted his bone wand and prepared to launch a curse in return. The entire group watched in horror as the moose glowed in a brilliant blue light, then vanished. "Noo yuoo veell deee-a! Bork bork bork!" the creature hefted up a good sized butcher knife and hurled it at the paladin. The paladin leapt and twisted to the side, just barely avoiding being carved into. It sailed through the air and sliced off the end of the barbarians new prize, his chew toy. The barbarian removed it and stared at it blankly before throwing it down. "You hurt whistly-bone!" the barbarian yelled, then leaped into the air towards the counter, whilst raising his weapons over his head to smash them down on the beasts head. "Soock it, beeg buy!" the beast retorted, picking up a knife and throwing it upwards at the barbarian, then flipping backwards just in time to avoid his swings as he landed heavily on the counter top a bashed downwards. The barbarian pulled the small knife out of his side without difficulty and took a swig of a minor healing potion to avoid bleeding problems. He was about to jump down again when a fire arrow sailed right above his head, barely missing. He twisted backwards to avoid severe injury, and promptly fell off the counter. The seven warriors looked in stunned silence at the origin of the arrow, a small creature with a pig nose and pink cloths. She tossed her golden hair back as she readied her next arrow into a rather absurd looking bow. She drew it back and shouted, "Die, bitch!" "Bork bork bork?" the assassin said to herself. There was only one creature in all the cosmos who had that laugh. "You must be.The Swedish Chef!" "Yuoo gut it hut stooffff! Bork bork bork!" the Chef called out, inexplicably winking at her as the amazon knocked the next arrow out of the air with an arrow of her own. "Miss. Piggy, I presume?" the amazon called over to the pig like creature. "One would expect nothing less!" the lady pig replied, flicking her hair again. "You!" sneered the assassin, raising her claws at Miss. Piggy. "Yes, haha!" the pig chirped, tilting her head to one side and smiling at her former comrade. She then tossed her bow across the room to it's rightful owner, Animal.  
"ANIMAL!" Animal cried, quickly readying his bow with a lime green arrow. It was only then that the group became aware that the bow was made out of drum sticks, shoelaces, and duck tape.  
"Be careful, it's poisoned!" the amazon cried out, noticing the type of arrow it was. The shot landed at the paladins feet, as he rolled away, holding his breath.  
The necromancer summoned a fire golem out of the air next to Sam the eagle, as he sent various skeletons to clamor over the counter top to get at the Chef, who was holding them back with a frying pan. The fire golem raised its arm to punch the eagle, but his arm was grabbed by another fire golem who suddenly crackled to life next to it. "Your not the only master of summoning and curses!" yelled a long nosed and very weird individual who was hanging from a ceiling beam.  
"Gonzo!" growled the necromancer. He recast his fire golem, causing his previous one to vanish as another one appeared on top of the beams that supported Gonzo the Great.  
"No!" cried the amason, quickly lobbing a freeze arrow up at the fire golem, knocking it off the beams and putting out the fire it had started. "You idiot!" she snapped as she whirled around at the necromancer. "You'll get us killed!"  
"Ah! That's what you think, but it's actually US who's going to get you killed!" replied a small, somewhat fuzzy bear-like creature. The druid whirled around at the sound of his voice.  
"Fozzie! Your supposed to be dead!" he exclaimed.  
"Ah! No, I merely scuttled off when I couldn't get out of wear bear form. And it wasn't even a very good form, but I've become very powerful in it!" the bear explained, raising a finger for who knows what reason.  
"You are still out numbered!" the sorceress informed the demonic creatures. "There is seven of us, and five of you!"  
"Nah uh! Now there is six! Hahaha!" came a shrill, high pitched voice. The sorceress turned and saw a ridiculously short creature covered in bright red fur. "My name is Elmo, and I'm going to make you die like a pig in hell! Hahahaha!" it laughed again.  
"Which leaves only one remaining," the paladin said, turning around, looking for the one he knew must be here.  
"Correct, and I'm it!" came an answering voice. The owner of the voice stepped forward on his horribly long legs, his entire body a sickly green color.  
"Kermit the Frog!" growled the paladin. "Why am I not surprised, you pathetic whelp!"  
"Mmm, strong talk, but can your blade mach mine!" the frog replied, pulling out a long sword.  
"I can do more than match, I'll easily surpass!" shouted the paladin, as he began to charge. Then he, and everyone else in the room, disappeared. ____________________  
  
The amazon dropped to her feet and leapt to the side, seeking cover next a stone column. She cast sharp glances to each side and noticed that there was a long row of columns, most of them round or at least roundish, every ten feet or so. Directly infront of her was a stone wall made of mortar. She peered over the side of the column she was hiding behind and saw that the entire vast room was filled with stone columns, in a perfectly symmetrical pattern.  
She nocked an arrow into the bow and pulled back slightly, ready to shoot if necessary. She ducked back behind the column as a fire arrow sailed by her head and exploded into the column near her. "ANIMAL!!" a savage voice called, echoing all around the stone and mortar room.  
The amazon grimaced and ran out into the open, pulled the shaft of the arrow back, spotted the red haired beast several dozen yards away from her, and let the arrow fly before diving behind the next column. ____________________  
The paladin looked around himself, he was standing in a grand dining hall. A well decorated table with several candles illuminating several platters of food. A red carpet beneath his feet, he walked up to the table, the light of dozens of high up torches reflecting off his iron clad body. He reached out to touch a plate, it was real. He reached for a bread roll and picked up, squeezing it. It wasn't plastic or wax. He lifted it to his nostralls, and it smelled wonderfull. He nearly put it in his mouth when he remembered his earlier warnings about the chocolate. He let the roll fall back to the table.  
"Hmm. Good choice," a voice behind the paladin said. The paladin whirled around to face his advisory. "Originally I was hoping you'd kill yourself with stupidity, but I guess I'll have to do it!" with that, Kermit sprang into the air, and the paladin lifted his sword to block. ____________________  
"You know, this was the same dungeon that once held the prince of Persia!" called Gonzo across the huge gap that separated him and the necromancer.  
"Explains a lot," the necromancer replied, looking at the labyrinth like maze of plat forms and huge leaps of faith that made up the dungeon. Gonzo smirked and flipped a switch and a platform dropped from it's cubby hole in the ceiling, crashing loudly, spanning the length of the gap.  
"Let us begin!" Gonzo shouted, waving his bone wand and casting Amplify Damage on the necromancer and his minions. ____________________ "Hi-ya!" called out Miss. Piggy as she performed a karate chop that sent the assassin reeling. The assassin rebounded off a stout support column and charged at the lady pig, slashing at her with her claws. The two martial arts masters squared off in a medium sized dojo, the place they felt most at home in. ____________________  
The barbarian found himself in a large, cozy looking kitchen. There was a large hearth built into the side wall, with a plump goose roasting above a crackling fire. The barbarian wandered over to a table, and picked up a bag of marshmallows, a box of graham crackers, and a stack of Hershey bars. He took his smores fixen's to the giant open fire place and was about to start roasting a marshmallow on the tip of his sword when all his new possessions were scattered on the floor by a thrown knife.  
"Yuoo cun't hefe-a thuse-a!" the Sweedish Chef yelled, brandishing a butchers knife in each hand.  
"You.you.you spill candy food! And you hurt whistly bone!" shouted the barbarian. He hefted up both his weapons and began a whirl wind attack on the Chef, as the Chef did the same towards him. ____________________  
"So we meet again, brother," the druid called across the small, damp cave.  
"For the last time, seeing as how I'm going to kill you," growled Fozzie, as he took of his beanie cap and dusted it off before putting it back on. The druid shrugged and turned into a wolf and summoned an oak sage to prolong his life span. "Your little balloon won't save you, Wocka Wocka!" laughed the renegade. ____________________  
The sorceress ducked just as a fire bolt sailed directly through where her head used to be. A high pitched, sinister laugh came from the caster, Elmo.  
"You'll pay for that!" the sorceress stated, her hair swirling behind her as she prepared a few spells of her own.  
"Elmo loves to play! Hahaha!" Elmo informed her, before scuttling behind a tree to avoid return fire. The sorceress teleported past the tree so that she wouldn't have to travel there on foot, but even as she did so, Elmo teleported to a branch up above her, and cast down a Frozen Orb. The sorceress gasped and jut barely managed to put up a Chilling Armor, sending a powerful Ice Bolt at Elmo for every one of his that touched her. She teleported out of there behind a small hill and crouched, grinning with grim satisfaction as she heard Elmo scream in surprise and pain. ____________________  
"ANIMAL!" Animal shouted once more, sending another volley of arrows at the amazon. She dived behind yet another column, praising them for protecting her and cursing them for doing the same for him. She was about to nock another arrow into the bow, but realized one of Animals randomly shot arrows had frayed the string beyond use. Disgusted, she threw the bow down. "AAAGHGHH! ANIMAL!" shouted Animal once more. "ANIMAL WIN!"  
The amazon was puzzled for a second, then realized the sound of her bow dropping tricked Animal into thinking she had dripped it in death. Grinning, she pulled a spear out of the hilt in her back and waited patiently for Animal to come and confirm his theory. ____________________  
The sorceress was teleporting back and forth from cover to cover, blasting spells at her attacker and teleporting again to avoid being hit. Her opponent was doing the same, making much of their match half guesswork and half observation. It was also destroying much of the plant life in the sylvan glen they were combating in.  
The sorceress teleported up into a high tree that was partially smoking further down, and paused to let her mana regenerate. She breathed deeply, and looked out from the leaves and saw the faint glimmering of continued teleporting, and saw various spells reek havoc below her. She gradually became aware that Elmo had no idea where she was, and was working in a rage as his high pitched voice screamed "Die die die!" into the distance. She would only have to wait until he stopped to regenerate his mana as well, and then she would have him. ____________________  
The barbarian was bleeding heavily, for while his heavy handed strokes could kill full grown oxen, the Swedish Chef was much faster, and his blows were beginning to take effect. One such slash landed directly unto the barbarian's fore arm, causing the hand to jerk and drop the weapon it was grasping. Howling in pain, the barbarian pimp slapped the Chef with his bare hand, sending the Chef reeling and stumbling, almost falling into the blazing hearth. That gave the barbarian (against all odds) an idea. The huge muscle bound figure bellowed as loud as he could, the Howl causing the Chef to stumble back further, into the flames. ____________________  
The sorceress watched carefully from her nest, noting how much the fire below was beginning to crawl up the trunk of her tree. After several minutes, she finally saw that the constant teleporting had stopped, and that the last one she saw was at the entrance of a small cave. She Enchanted her crystal globe to cause burning damage, then teleported down to the mouth of the cave, here mana still practically full even after the two spells.  
She materialized in the cave, and saw Elmo bent over, hands on knees, panting. Before he could react, beyond saying, "What the @#$%." she ran forward and kicked him, causing him to fly upwards, strike the ceiling with his head, and fall back down to the ground with a loud "Ow!".  
She teleported over to where he landed, flicked his globe beyond his reached, grabbed him by the neck with her free hand, and pressed the globe into his stomach with the other. "Ow! Get off me, you fat heifer!" screamed Elmo, before the sorceress tightened her grip. The enchanted globe began to singe the hair on Elmo's body.  
"Where are my friends?" demanded the sorceress, loosening her grip to allow the small creature to speak.  
"They are in the arena's.the winner is taken back to the place we started at." Elmo screeched, kicking frantically and trying to push the globe away.  
"Take me there!" the sorceress shouted, shaking Elmo like a rag doll. Without realizing it, she had regained her firmest grip on Elmo's neck, and the lack of air caused the creature to slip into unconscious. The air melted around her and resolved into the shape of mason room they had left earlier. The amazon and barbarian were already there. She dropped Elmo's limp body and turned to her companions, asking if they were alright.  
"We're fine, but what of the others?" asked the amazon, hoping that the sorceress had learned something that they hadn't.  
"Elmo said that we were all sent to arena's, and that the winners would be returned here. Since there's only us, I guess that means the others are still fighting," the sorceress informed, casting heal spells on the other two.  
"Pictures," the barbarian said suddenly. The other two looked at him. It was the longest word he knew. "There. Rocks. With pictures," the barbarian clarified, waving his hand at the counter. The sorceress and amazon, with confused looks, wandered over and leaned over the counter, and saw a set of runes embedded into side.  
"It's the command panel to the magic the've been using!" the sorceress exclaimed excitedly. She jumped the counter and frowned at the runes. "Drat, this really isn't my specialty. This is more of the necromancers deal." ____________________  
At that moment, the two masters of the undead were dueling in the maze-like dungeon. Golems wrestled against skeletons, skeletons wrestled with more skeletons or fired spells, and even more skeletons climbed the walls from above and bellow to answer the calls of the men who summoned them. The necromancer and Gonzo themselves had hardly moved from their positions, focusing all their strength in curses, spells, and undead creatures. The battle continued to be waged, and it was clear that the necromancer was on the bad end of things. He didn't know how Gonzo was doing it, but he seemed to be able to call forth almost twice as many skeletons, though they were quite a bit weaker.  
Finally, the necromancer had an idea. He charged forward, twisting underneath the thrashings of his opponents fire golem, ducked under a swing from an enemy skeleton, and advanced on Gozmo. Gozmo, seeing his advanced, drew his ceremonial dagger, raised it above his head, and charged into the fray. The necromancer ran at full speed, then leaped over Gonzo's head, tripped as he landed, fell, rolled, scrambled, and hit the switch that controlled the platform while still tumbling off of it.  
The platform surged up immediately behind him, as Gonzo looked upwards in horror at the ceiling coming quickly to meet him. ____________________  
The necromancer appeared in the room they had sought to discover, without his usual entourage of skeletons. He climbed to his feet unsteadily, as he saw the sorceress stick her head up from behind the counter and say, "Hey Necro, I need your help over here. ___________  
It didn't take very long for the necromancer and the sorceress, working together, to crack how exactly the command panel worked. With it, they aborted the auto pilot that was set up and overrided the command parameter that called for filling the cavern with poison gas that only affected humans once the fights were done. They then brought the paladin, assassin, and druid back from the arenas, the paladin and druid of which looked like they had been right about ready to lose. The assassin was jumping up and down that she "Almost had her!"  
It was as they took the time to recover that the formerly unconscious Elmo woke up, moaning. He looked around himself, at the seven warriors pointing their weapons directly at him. He coughed, sputtered, and said some severely dirty words.  
"Who are you?" the paladin demanded, a small amount of blood still dripping from the inside of armor through the many gashes.  
"Well, if you haven't already guessed, I'm not actually Elmo," the furry creature spat.  
"Well then who, and/or what are you?" the assassin demanded, her deadly claws beginning to crackle with electricity.  
"I'm.I'm.well, I guess I'd better who you," said their captive, and he reached up to his neck, took hold of the zipper, and began to pull it down. The group watched in horror and fascination as the false skin was pulled away, and another creature crawled out of it. A tall, thin, lanky man slowly piled out of the costume and stood strait up before them.  
"David Bowie! What are you doing in there?" asked the paladin in awe.  
"Well I." replied David Bowie, still in Elmo's voice. He coughed and resembled, this time in his own deeper, British accented voice. "Well I have to keep coming up with new styles, you know. My fans expect it."  
"And the others?" the amazon asked.  
"Oh, just some groupies," Bowie shrugged.  
"Why you try kill us!?!" the barbarian demanded. It was one of the more complicated sentences he had ever spoken.  
"Well, see, we were getting some video coverage for our next live tour, and well,." David trailed off, waiving his hand.  
"Your still touring?" asked the necromancer, puzzled.  
"Wait a second!" said the druid, stepping over. He looked David Bowie directly into the eye. "Your eyes are the same color! The real David Bowie has eyes that are different colors because of a bar fight years ago!" David bowie sighed.  
"Alright, you've caught me again. I'm not really David Bowie, I'm really." David again reached just under his chin and pulled down a zipper that went across skin and clothing alike. The false skin bulged and disfigured as two objects, much larger than David Bowie, one much larger, slowly sprang out of the costume. At last, the two creatures stood, completely unfolded.  
"We're actually Big Bird." began Big Bird.  
" .And Snuffleupagus!" cried Snuffleupagus. They both nodded sharply at each other before teleporting out, before any questions could be asked.  
"Well then, it would appear that our endeavors here has been F@#%ING POINTLESS!" screamed the necromancer.  
"Not quite. We have learned that seven.er.ten individuals have been kidnapped and replaced by look-alikes, for who knows what reason," replied the paladin, who went out of the room and returned with the sack he had dripped earlier. He pulled a small rune out of it and walked to the wall, placing the rune in a matching hole. The wall sprang up, revealing six Muppets, three individuals who lived on Sesame Street, and one British singer.  
"Woa, are we glad to see you guys," said Kermit, from his position on the floor.  
"Yea, this guy came in that looked like me and he had a bunch of skeletons. It was cool!" grinned Gozmo.  
"Fur freeeeng us I veell meke-a youu a feest!" called the Swedish Chef. "Und fur dessert, cheese-a ceke-a veet chuculet!" and with this, the seven warriors gave a great cheer. _________Three Weeks Later___________  
"Thirty seconds, Kermit!" Scooter informed. Kermit quickly went out unto the stage, as lights focused on him.  
"Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Muppet Show!" he called to the audience, raising his arms as the music began. As the theme song played, Kermit waited patiently for the cheering to end. When both applause and music has ceased, the frog spoke again. "Yes, hello and welcome to another grand episode of the Muppet Show!" Another small wave of applause, while up in the box above a voice could be heard shouting, "The only thing grand about this episode is the amount of sleep were all going to be getting!" much to the gusto of his companion. "Today, we have a total of eight special guests, seven of whom earlier helped us escape a bit of trouble. Please welcome the paladin, amazon, necromancer, sorceress, druid, assassin, and barbarian!" another round of applause thought the audience as the seven warriors walked unto the stage, smiling and waving. "That's only seven!" cried a voice from the box. "Where's number eight?" "Oh, that's me," said Kermit, which was met by some off handed chuckling by the audience. "No, I'm serious," Kermit insisted. "I'm not really Kermit the Frog." There was silence in the auditorium as the seven drew their weapons as Kermit lifted his flipper to just below his neck and began to pull down a zipper. The felt cloth floated off as out stepped a small boy who was still much to large to fit into the costume. He wore glasses, had extremely green eyes, and rag tag mop of hair. The hair only partially covered a lightning bolt scar in the middle of his fore head. "I'm Harry Potter!" explained Harry, as he leapt unto his broom and sped into the air.  
  
________________________________________________________________________ To send feedback, just send an "electronic mail" to instant_feedback@yahoo.com. 


End file.
